The destinations are only attractive in so far as the journey to them lies in between.

 

You know what I hate most about gym (any gym)? It's that there's always this guy, pushing himself so hard on the equipment that when there's no more energy to exert, he starts to make what sounds like sex noise, as if he were a woman in labor, exercising what's been taught in the Lamaze class to help delivery. Are those big blokes stupid enough to believe that women (not the desperate ones) will be impressed that way? It's simply disturbing and disgusting. And if I may: Save it for yourself!

 

Now achievements aside, I have to, however reluctantly, face the things left undone.

 

For a long time, I believed that 2007 would be my last academic year, since I had applied for (and got approved of) a prior-schedule graduation. I took courses, compulsory and elective alike, to meet the school requirement; I finished my field research; and my thesis proposal was accepted as well. Everything went on well, until I was informed of some subtle changes in school policies, which made it next to impossible to shorten my graduate study as planned. The consequences were not that undesirable, though; for the prolonged school life lent me more time to figure out what I wanted to do with real life. Come to think of it, I might not have accomplished the first two resolutions, had it not been for the extra year of preparation. So there's no regret whatsoever.

 

The other failure ... well, was partially (or probably entirely) my fault. In case you are still conscious and curious after making through all these lengthy paragraphs, my last resolution was to find myself a nice and sensible man, if you know what I mean. Yet this, I apparently failed. It may sound a bit pathetic, but the truth is I haven't been in a relationship for a long time; somehow I don't know how to get involved anymore, and worse still, the longer I stay single, the more scared I feel to commit to the one and only person, whoever he is. I sometimes wonder if it's genetic to be clumsy in relationship, because my whole family seems to have this issue; while other times, I wonder if it's contagious, since there are quite a few fellow-sufferers among my close friends, who are almost young and still restless. I hope this issue is curable, either by arrival of a right guy, or by adjusting myself, opening up and lowering down unnecessary bars.

 

The reason I feel compelled to write down these 1,500 words about something that can't be redone is NOT that I'm a psycho-sadist to myself; it's just the older I get, the more I realize how important it is to be True, like one of the few rules that Chinese people were encouraged to follow since time immemorial: to have a holistic view of man and nature (being true), a respect for other people (being good), and a feel for the simple but majestic (being beautiful). A friend considered this looking-back thing a "lively yet ruthless" account of all her disillusionments; I didn't fancy it either, but we can't stay in our comfort zone forever, so it's better to face it all and grow up.

 

Alright, I have to make time for the future before I doze off babbling. Since 1/6 of the 2008 has passed before I begin to live it, it will sound weird if the following items are still called "the new year resolutions". So here they are, just a few things I hope I can accomplish at the age of 25:

Now before I embark on this year's journey, I'd like to quote a piece of new year greetings I get from a teacher, who is always rigid yet nice to me:

 

Some three hundred days ago, when I did my annual review of the passing year, a painful realization struck me that my 2006 was actually a year of mediocrity. So with the hope of living a wiser and less-ordinary life, I wrote down a few resolutions which, even then, I knew would challenge my willpower. Now that another twelve months passed, it came to the point to examine how they'd been carried out; only this time, I was taken by surprises. For out of the six tempting yet somewhat difficult missions, I've achieved four: some are accomplished with grace, while others, by taking detours.

 

I resolved to backpack through Europe, and this I did (some say) fabulously. I've spent 39 days in 6 countries with a total cost of 3,500 euros; and if you take into account the fact that it's my first time abroad and none of the countries speaks English, my Eurotrip would instantly become a strategically ambitious, visually sumptuous surrealist enterprise, which is, by turns, exciting, exhausting, inspiring and disappointing. I bought a copy of the final Harry Potter book in Heidelberg; while reading it on trains and planes during my last week in Europe, a line caught me most unexpectedly when Harry comforted Ron, saying "sometimes, it's only cool when you watch other people do it". For the first time, I felt empathetic with the hero, though we were in totally different situations. But don't get me wrong, I didn't (how could I) regret the experience of covering thousands of miles and exploring landscapes and cities, it's just I realized part of me changed, and I know some of the changes will go on, deep and permanent, in my ideas of living.

 

Talking about changes, a major one would be my choice of career path. I started an English blog in 2006 and was quite productive that year. I wrote about news, movies, and my personal life, and was lucky enough to have a small group of frequent visitors, most of whom are great English writers themselves. Encouraged by their comments while driven by my own enthusiasm for writing, I decided to pursue a career in journalism, and therefore started looking for internship opportunities in English news agencies. I then got picked from a major (meaning, official) newspaper, but was soon dampened by the harsh reality that reporting is not about telling the truth. I couldn't bear the idea of being a sentient puppet for a living, so I left the office and set out for Europe (it was actually not as easy as it might sound, by then, I'd been planning for months). The trip reminded me of how much I loved traveling and how much I was gonna miss having long vacations once I left school. So a clear choice presented itself. I've been teaching English on various levels for years, and I've made a substantial income (for students) by doing that. But it was not until I entered the job market did I realized how crammed it had turned, literally. November was a grueling month; hopes were raised and then punctured; yet all the doubts, the anxieties, and the empty expectations paid off once a worthy offer extended its hand. Fortune favored me this time, because I was committed (some find it bold) enough to cut off my own ways of retreat. I learned a lesson on concentration; apart from that, I didn't have much story to tell in job-hunting, especially when compared with some of my friends, who were more competent, only lacking in a bit of luck.

 

One thing I thought I'd failed but managed to come through last year was to be a better daughter. It's NOT that I was a horrible one; I did care for my parents, saved them a whole lot of worries, even made them proud from time to time. As I grew up, I was taught to build this independent womanhood in me, both financially and emotionally; but perhaps I ran a bit too far on the latter, which, somehow, made me feel distant from my parents. We often talk, but seldom communicate. So at the beginning of the year that I'd officially move back home (6 years after I moved out to live on campus), I decided to work on the problem and be open to them. It wasn't easy though, not at first. Since my mother had retired from work and I didn't have many compulsory courses to take, we pretty much had to stick together all day, everyday. It was torture - she was nagging at me all the time, complaining about my room that wasn't properly cleaned, my aloofness of being a singleton, my impractical choice of career and everything, just to name a few. But later, as I gradually learned and accepted the fact that this was what it took to live at home, I started to arrange some activities with her, to free her (momentarily though) from the housewife cage, open her mind and let her know that I was not at all like her when she was my age. We hung out in the parks and malls, I even took her out traveling several times; in return, she taught me about cooking. I guess this bonding thing did work, because at the end of the year, when my mother had an accident and had to stay in bed for at least a month, I didn't feel a bit of impatience looking after her. I gather we both feel grateful for the time we've spent together.

 

My purchase of the year was a DSLR, a Nikon D80 to be specific. I've got some experience with my DC, and I love capturing the moments that make my journey through life memorable. So with the hope of better expressing myself with photography, I chose to hire an advanced assistant, technic-wise. There was no buzz-worthy reward like the NGS publication the year before last, but I won a little prize in an online photo challenge sponsored by Nikon, which should be seen as a positive message. More than the material gain, I found my understanding of photography evolved: I paid more attention to details, not just the grand and the spectacular, but every little thing that, if taken in, could make the capture of an ordinary object extraordinary; also, there used to be a sense of loneliness in my shots, probably because I was intentionally avoiding the presence of people, which I thought would spoil the completeness of a composition; but now I believe in the opposite, I see people as an essential element that brings life and perfection to a picture. Progress made, however, I am fully aware of the long long way to go from a callow neophyte to a seasoned pro; yet my mind is set, and my feet, set out.